Is someone's submission a gift or a trade? Does it make a difference?
Relationships that incorporate D/s and/or BDSM aspects are, at heart, no different than any other relationship. Two people come together because they meet each other's needs. If the needs of both individuals are not met, the relationship doesn't work.
Many people in D/s relationships toss around the term the "gift" of submission, and I understand where they're coming from. Someone trusting you enough to give you the right to make decisions in their life in order to keep them happy and safe is monumental. (Remember happiness as defined by each individual.) A great honor indeed.
I think the point is the value placed on submission. When I gave my husband the right to make decisions for me, and my future, I didn't want him to shrug it off or minimize the choice. However, my decision was not made into a void.
1. *very important* I knew what kind of man I was submitting to. His intelligence, capabilities, morals, personality.
2. I knew we had the same kind of kinks and interests and that he cared for me. So he would be able to give me what I needed in order for me to be happy and our relationship to function at its optimal level. (Loving someone is not a requirement for a D/s relationship at all. I just need it in mine.)
If submission is a gift, then the person on the other end should be appreciative of the gift correct? Where as, if I come in and say I'll give you submission if you give me your domination. Then it's not really that romantic and sounds much more even footed. Which it is! Before someone enters into a D/s relationship they are on exactly on the same footing and very equal in rights and expectations. The dominant is not indebted to me for giving them my submission any more than I am to him because he has given me his domination We both meet each other's needs.
So while I understand the reason people term submission a gift, I prefer to think of it as an equal trade. I don't want someone indebted to me (God I hate when someone at the office gets me a Christmas gift and I didn't get them one!) and I don't want to be indebted to someone else.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
So I know it's been a while since I posted, for us the holiday season starts several weeks before Halloween. ("Holiday" meaning Halloween, Samhain, Thanksgiving, Winter Solstice, and Christmas. Whew!) During all the doing and the planning, though, I've managed to start The Gorean series by John Norman.
I've always been curious about this series. Having known several "Goreans"casually, and the fact the series often causes conflict on BDSM forums, means I knew enough to be interested, but not enough to hold out any convictions on the subject matter.
*For any who identify as Goreans, I apologize if the following misrepresents the series or your beliefs in any way. This post is my current understanding of the series and philosophy of Gor. Should you wish to correct anything please contact me at msjessc@hotmail.com. Baring profanity, I'll share your response on the blog.*
For those who aren't familiar, John Norman wrote an inflammatory science fiction/fantasy series about a planet named Gor. On Gor people live a somewhat Medieval reminiscent life, though with very different creatures, abilities, and technology. (Hence fantasy.)
What upsets so many about this series is how women on Gor are treated. Women have almost no rights. Free woman are controlled by their family or husband, while female slaves (a major focus of the series) have no rights and can be treated any way their master sees fit. The kicker is, most of the slaves like it, need it. One of the major premises of the series is how women crave to have a man rule over them. This is obviously not the only premise of the book, or probably the point of this created world, but it is what gets people riled up, either sexually or morally.
The series has gained rather a cult following, with a number of people living out the Gorean philosophy amongst each other. Since there is a Master/slave lifestyle under BDSM, there is a certain crossing over with Gorean people.
Most Gors I've met, either online or in person, have been extremely courteous and intelligent people. They did not treat me as they would a Gorean woman, because I am not Gorean. However, as there always seem to be, there is a subset of the group that goes to extreme and believe all women should be seen and not heard, and if they must speak at all, they must always do so respectfully to men. Seeing as how the BDSM umbrella is includes are a good number of female dominants and even more women who identify as submissive/slave, but ONLY to their chosen dominant/master, things can get a little tense.
So far I have greatly enjoyed the first three books. The planet is interesting, the main character endearing, though I hear he is replaced by someone else in the middle of the series. I have to say that's not unexpected as the series is around 25 books long! Good lord. If it's really all about female slaves, though, then I have to give credit where credit is due to Mr Norman's imagination!
Obviously three books is hardly a dent, so I'm waiting to see how everything goes. The general consensus online is the series runs out of steam about book 6. The plot becomes less important than the philosophy of Gorean society. Apparently, that's also when the focus of the books becomes focused on female enslavement causing the average non misogynistic reader gives up in disgust.
Though I have to admit I've enjoyed the whole female slave thread to the books. Having not gotten to the "hard core" part I'll have to wait and see how that plays out I suppose. Would I want to live as an actual slave to any man who could grab me? Um. No. Do I believe all women want a man to control every aspect of their lives and physically punish them for well, whatever they want? Hell no! However, for my twisted little mind, it's definitely a hot fantasy. So I read it as such. God knows enough porn follows the same guidelines. I'm honestly surprised at the number of men I've seen bash the books. Though I suppose men aren't used to reading porn in books. Having consumed probably far more than my fair share of erotic writings, I may be more prone to seeing it as such and not an actual social commentary on how we should structure our lives.
I look forward to sharing with you know how the series goes for me. As always, please let me know what you think!
I've always been curious about this series. Having known several "Goreans"casually, and the fact the series often causes conflict on BDSM forums, means I knew enough to be interested, but not enough to hold out any convictions on the subject matter.
*For any who identify as Goreans, I apologize if the following misrepresents the series or your beliefs in any way. This post is my current understanding of the series and philosophy of Gor. Should you wish to correct anything please contact me at msjessc@hotmail.com. Baring profanity, I'll share your response on the blog.*
For those who aren't familiar, John Norman wrote an inflammatory science fiction/fantasy series about a planet named Gor. On Gor people live a somewhat Medieval reminiscent life, though with very different creatures, abilities, and technology. (Hence fantasy.)
What upsets so many about this series is how women on Gor are treated. Women have almost no rights. Free woman are controlled by their family or husband, while female slaves (a major focus of the series) have no rights and can be treated any way their master sees fit. The kicker is, most of the slaves like it, need it. One of the major premises of the series is how women crave to have a man rule over them. This is obviously not the only premise of the book, or probably the point of this created world, but it is what gets people riled up, either sexually or morally.
The series has gained rather a cult following, with a number of people living out the Gorean philosophy amongst each other. Since there is a Master/slave lifestyle under BDSM, there is a certain crossing over with Gorean people.
Most Gors I've met, either online or in person, have been extremely courteous and intelligent people. They did not treat me as they would a Gorean woman, because I am not Gorean. However, as there always seem to be, there is a subset of the group that goes to extreme and believe all women should be seen and not heard, and if they must speak at all, they must always do so respectfully to men. Seeing as how the BDSM umbrella is includes are a good number of female dominants and even more women who identify as submissive/slave, but ONLY to their chosen dominant/master, things can get a little tense.
So far I have greatly enjoyed the first three books. The planet is interesting, the main character endearing, though I hear he is replaced by someone else in the middle of the series. I have to say that's not unexpected as the series is around 25 books long! Good lord. If it's really all about female slaves, though, then I have to give credit where credit is due to Mr Norman's imagination!
Obviously three books is hardly a dent, so I'm waiting to see how everything goes. The general consensus online is the series runs out of steam about book 6. The plot becomes less important than the philosophy of Gorean society. Apparently, that's also when the focus of the books becomes focused on female enslavement causing the average non misogynistic reader gives up in disgust.
Though I have to admit I've enjoyed the whole female slave thread to the books. Having not gotten to the "hard core" part I'll have to wait and see how that plays out I suppose. Would I want to live as an actual slave to any man who could grab me? Um. No. Do I believe all women want a man to control every aspect of their lives and physically punish them for well, whatever they want? Hell no! However, for my twisted little mind, it's definitely a hot fantasy. So I read it as such. God knows enough porn follows the same guidelines. I'm honestly surprised at the number of men I've seen bash the books. Though I suppose men aren't used to reading porn in books. Having consumed probably far more than my fair share of erotic writings, I may be more prone to seeing it as such and not an actual social commentary on how we should structure our lives.
I look forward to sharing with you know how the series goes for me. As always, please let me know what you think!
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