Gift of the Submissive

Is someone's submission a gift or a trade? Does it make a difference?

Relationships that incorporate D/s and/or BDSM aspects are, at heart, no different than any other relationship. Two people come together because they meet each other's needs. If the needs of both individuals are not met, the relationship doesn't work.

Many people in D/s relationships toss around the term the "gift" of submission, and I understand where they're coming from. Someone trusting you enough to give you the right to make decisions in their life in order to keep them happy and safe is monumental. (Remember happiness as defined by each individual.) A great honor indeed.

I think the point is the value placed on submission. When I gave my husband the right to make decisions for me, and my future, I didn't want him to shrug it off or minimize the choice. However, my decision was not made into a void.
1. *very important* I knew what kind of man I was submitting to. His intelligence, capabilities, morals, personality.
2. I knew we had the same kind of kinks and interests and that he cared for me. So he would be able to give me what I needed in order for me to be happy and our relationship to function at its optimal level. (Loving someone is not a requirement for a D/s relationship at all. I just need it in mine.)

If submission is a gift, then the person on the other end should be appreciative of the gift correct? Where as, if I come in and say I'll give you submission if you give me your domination. Then it's not really that romantic and sounds much more even footed. Which it is! Before someone enters into a D/s relationship they are on exactly on the same footing and very equal in rights and expectations. The dominant is not indebted to me for giving them my submission any more than I am to him because he has given me his domination We both meet each other's needs.

So while I understand the reason people term submission a gift, I prefer to think of it as an equal trade. I don't want someone indebted to me (God I hate when someone at the office gets me a Christmas gift and I didn't get them one!) and I don't want to be indebted to someone else.

So I know it's been a while since I posted, for us the holiday season starts several weeks before Halloween. ("Holiday" meaning Halloween, Samhain, Thanksgiving, Winter Solstice, and Christmas. Whew!) During all the doing and the planning, though, I've managed to start The Gorean series by John Norman.
I've always been curious about this series. Having known several "Goreans"casually, and the fact the series often causes conflict on BDSM forums, means I knew enough to be interested, but not enough to hold out any convictions on the subject matter.

*For any who identify as Goreans, I apologize if the following misrepresents the series or your beliefs in any way. This post is my current understanding of the series and philosophy of Gor. Should you wish to correct anything please contact me at msjessc@hotmail.com. Baring profanity, I'll share your response on the blog.*

For those who aren't familiar, John Norman wrote an inflammatory science fiction/fantasy series about a planet named Gor. On Gor people live a somewhat Medieval reminiscent life, though with very different creatures, abilities, and technology. (Hence fantasy.)
What upsets so many about this series is how women on Gor are treated. Women have almost no rights. Free woman are controlled by their family or husband, while female slaves (a major focus of the series) have no rights and can be treated any way their master sees fit. The kicker is, most of the slaves like it, need it. One of the major premises of the series is how women crave to have a man rule over them. This is obviously not the only premise of the book, or probably the point of this created world, but it is what gets people riled up, either sexually or morally.
The series has gained rather a cult following, with a number of people living out the Gorean philosophy amongst each other. Since there is a Master/slave lifestyle under BDSM, there is a certain crossing over with Gorean people.
Most Gors I've met, either online or in person, have been extremely courteous and intelligent people. They did not treat me as they would a Gorean woman, because I am not Gorean. However, as there always seem to be, there is a subset of the group that goes to extreme and believe all women should be seen and not heard, and if they must speak at all, they must always do so respectfully to men. Seeing as how the BDSM umbrella is includes are a good number of female dominants and even more women who identify as submissive/slave, but ONLY to their chosen dominant/master, things can get a little tense.

So far I have greatly enjoyed the first three books. The planet is interesting, the main character endearing, though I hear he is replaced by someone else in the middle of the series. I have to say that's not unexpected as the series is around 25 books long! Good lord. If it's really all about female slaves, though, then I have to give credit where credit is due to Mr Norman's imagination!
Obviously three books is hardly a dent, so I'm waiting to see how everything goes. The general consensus online is the series runs out of steam about book 6. The plot becomes less important than the philosophy of Gorean society. Apparently, that's also when the focus of the books becomes focused on female enslavement causing the average non misogynistic reader gives up in disgust.

Though I have to admit I've enjoyed the whole female slave thread to the books. Having not gotten to the "hard core" part I'll have to wait and see how that plays out I suppose. Would I want to live as an actual slave to any man who could grab me? Um. No. Do I believe all women want a man to control every aspect of their lives and physically punish them for well, whatever they want? Hell no! However, for my twisted little mind, it's definitely a hot fantasy. So I read it as such. God knows enough porn follows the same guidelines. I'm honestly surprised at the number of men I've seen bash the books. Though I suppose men aren't used to reading porn in books. Having consumed probably far more than my fair share of erotic writings, I may be more prone to seeing it as such and not an actual social commentary on how we should structure our lives.

I look forward to sharing with you know how the series goes for me. As always, please let me know what you think!

Squick??: The Daddy Dom/ little girl relationship

Rightfully so, we have a strong revulsion to the idea of sexual involvement of a minor, and even more  so one's own child. Thankfully that is not at all what the Daddy Dom/little girl (Dd/lg) relationship is about. Yes the title lends itself to that definition, but "Daddy" is simply the closest term to encapsulating the deep love and care-taking aspect of the dominant in this relationship, and the devotion of the little girl.
Though Dd/lg relationships seem to get the most attention, there also Mommy Dom relationships and little boys as well. Some prefer the genderless title of "caretaker" or "little". While others may be female, but identify as a "Daddy" instead of "Mommy". Any, and all, combinations of such are legitimate expressions of this deeply loving relationship.
Due to the negative connotations attached to the Dd/lg title, I will continue to use it (including corresponding male and female pronouns) in this entry, but the explanations and concepts may translate to other Caretaker/little relationships as well.

Several things to keep in mind about Dd/lg couples.
1. Both of consenting adults. The "little" is not actually under 18.
2. Neither of the adults involved are biologically related
3. Little Girls have no more "daddy issues" than anyone else. Most love their biological father very much.
4. Dd/lg participants are just as horrified at the thought of including a minor in anything sexual, or incest, as you are.
(I would like to acknowledge there are specific incest role play kinks. It is my opinion these are genuine fantasies people have a right to, and as it is not played out in reality, there is nothing wrong with it.)

So what compels people to risk abhorrence by both kinky and vanilla alike, and identify as this relationship?

Just as a real life father may, a Daddy Dom takes care of, and guides, his little girl so she can grow into the potential they both see in her. With this in mind he lays a groundwork of structure and support. This can include anything from rules to bed times to what they're allowed to watch on tv and more. Physically, mentally and emotionally the Daddy's goal is to see his little girl achieve everything she can. He will provide the correct environment, encouragement and motivation for her to do so.
For the little girl, her Daddy is her world. Her knight in shining armor. She trusts him absolutely. She loves him unendingly and constantly shows him this love. She may draw him pictures, or send him love notes or give him hundreds of hugs a day. Anything that can convey how much he means to her. She needs him to know. She also wants to please him and make him proud of her, and strives to do so.
That being said, as with any relationship type, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of ways people can function as a Dd/lg (Caretaker/little) relationship. The above description simply attempts to capture the nature of the relationship, not make rules or narrowly define what one must be.
Some relationships involve age play. Some involve the little regressing in her mine until she feels, and acts, whatever younger age she identifies with. Some little girls simply have maintained their child like wonder of the world, and are not only "little" during certain times, but always have that side of them available.

My quick outline of the Dd/lg relationship is shallow and simple. I strongly urge you to do your own research into this beautiful relationship. Those who participate in Caretaker/little relationships deserve the utmost respect and acceptance.

For more information:
Dd/lg definition by a little
A library of people's thoughts on Dd/lg
Starting a Dd/lg relationship
GOOGLE is your friend!

Worth the risk?

Those involved in the BDSM community have all heard the horror stories. People losing their jobs and family when it comes out they're involved in kink activities. It seems obvious, to the public, that those who engage in either the physical, or mental aspects, of BDSM have control and/or anger issues while not having ethical standards. I mean, what kind of a person beats someone else for fun right?
For anyone wondering, tops who flog their bottom partner are not walking around all day suppressing the urge to reach out and attack the person next to them on the street. No more than I walk around hoping the guy across from me on the light rail will start slapping me. It's about comfort zones, trust, and consent. Always about consent.
BDSM isn't the only place this is true. For example, sex. I enjoy sex, but I don't walk around hoping a random stranger jumps me. (Yea, I know some people have that fantasy.) The difference between sex and rape is consent. The mindset of a rapist is very different than that of a consensual partner. Just like there's a huge difference in the mind of a healthy top and the violent sociopath people see them as.
Even in this day and age people involved in BDSM often hide their identities and take on kink names. It's such a tradition, even those who aren't trying to hide use a kink name. (Besides, it's kind of fun to rename yourself.) Also you never to go up to someone you saw at a kink gathering and acknowledge them in a vanilla (non kink) setting, unless previously agreed it would be comfortable for both people, or tag them in pictures you took at kink events. This is termed outing.

With all this fear of being outed, why would anyone engage in BDSM activity? What makes it worth the risk?

It is, of course, a complicated answer of weighing and balancing life for each person. Everyone should come to their own conclusions at no judgement from anyone else.
To focus on the need though, BDSM activities (again HUGE umbrella term) come in different strengths. Some men may prefer to be restrained during sex, but don't require it to enjoy the sexual act. Some women may be a dominant personality who like to make decisions, but they don't mind compromising with their spouse.
Then there are those who need to be tied up in order to be sexually fulfilled, or who become frustrated when they are not the one in charge of decisions in their home. It's how we function. It's how we're wired. Nature vs Nurture is a different discussion. However we got here, we're here now.
I tried the vanilla route in relationships. It. Does. Not. Work. Period. I am not at all happy in an equal authority romantic relationship. It would take more than a paragraph to explain all the reasons why, but the bottom line is I do not feel myself, I do not feel fulfilled, I am not happy. If you go a long period of time without being yourself, you find the value of happiness living your true self can bring is worth more than almost anything else.
(I'm not talking about depression, if you suffer from depression please contact a qualified professional. You do not have to feel this way.)
It's the "almost" that makes life messy. If my husband decided tomorrow we would be in a vanilla relationship would I end up having to leave him? I hope not. We would probably have to compromise with me getting my kink need met elsewhere as it's not fair of me to ask him to be someone he's not either. (Keep in mind, BDSM does not necessarily include sex.)
These are the questions that people struggle with every day. Just something to keep in mind the next time you see a newspaper article about a masochist, or it turns out your pharmacist is a dominatrix.

Will trade brain for submissive title

One of the mistakes new submissives can make when becoming involved in the BDSM community is checking their brain at the door. Not because they are stupid, but because all they have to compare to is fantasy. In fantasy the submissive is (oftentimes) ruled by dominants, all of them. Whatever a dominant says to do the submissive does.

I'll admit, I find that pretty hot, but it's not at all practical, and even less safe. The kink community will be the first to tell a submissive to use their brain above all else. Why would you do what someone says just because that person labels themselves a dominant? You don't know the person's intentions, skill level, or moral compass.

Kinky people are not "better" than vanilla people. They're just people, and there are just as many assholes in this community as any other. In fact, online there may be more, because, unfortunately, it's  known new submissives can be impressionable, and won't always tell a dominant to go fuck him/herself if need be. It makes those submissives vulnerable, and where there's vulnerability, there are predators. So the first rule of being a submissive is if you wouldn't let someone outside the kink community you don't trust do it to you, don't let someone inside the kink community you don't trust do it to you.

As I mentioned, this tends to happen more online than at actual munches or play parties. So if you stick with the local people it's rare you have a problem. The kink community is still small enough they tend to police themselves.

I don't want to be negative, but what BDSM deals with can be dangerous if you don't stay aware. Make friends and get to know people. There are absolutely some of the best people you'll ever meet in this community. Just make sure you do it in a safe way, so you can find the good ones.

I am woman, hear me consent?

As a woman, how do I feel about giving up my right to the final say on decisions that affect me, or serving my husband 24/7 with all the trappings of the 1950s housewife we now pity? *

Wonderful! Fantastic! Strong! Powerful!

My decision to submit, who I submit to, and how I submit are made because I know who I am and what I want. I didn't make these choices because I'm stupid or emotionally weak and need someone to walk me through life. I don't serve my husband because I was born into a society that said I had to. I knew what I wanted out of a partner, I found someone I wanted to partner with, and I negotiated to find what works best for both of us.  

Neither does the fact that I submit to my husband mean I am incapable of leadership. I was a manager for a number of years. There are plenty of CEOs, doctors, and other leaders that are submissives to specific people. 

Finding joy in submission doesn't mean you're broken, or weak, any more than being an introvert means you are. In both instances you're simply powered differently than those who are fulfilled and recharged in other ways. 

I do want to add a shout out to the male submissives, who have it very hard going against the traditional male role of being the one in charge. 

I am a submissive because it makes me the best me possible and, as a woman, I have the right to make that choice. 

*Submission looks different in every relationship. For this post I used my life as an example. Don't assume anything about another person's Dominant/submissive dynamic.

When is my kink more important than your disapproval?

As I've mentioned, my husband and I are in a 24/7 total power exchange relationship. My husband is extremely laid back. So we don't really have any protocols, he could care less about titles, and our few rules are as follows:
1. I speak respectfully to my husband at all times. I can disagree all I want, but I must do it respectfully and what he says in the end goes. Which brings us to the next rule..
2.Whatever my husband decides is what happens. This includes everything from how the house runs daily to which house we buy. (Of course my husband wants and takes my opinion on matters. He does after all love and think highly of me. I would not have married him or agreed to this dynamic otherwise.)
3. If I have any question about what my husband may want in a situation I must ask him before proceeding.
4. I serve my husband. Does he sometimes "serve" me as well, most definitely, but 24/7 I perform traditional service actions in our relationship. (Think 1950s housewife.)

How does this look to others in our every day life, like every other couple I know. We laugh a lot, we tease each other, we disagree, we each have good and bad days, we hang out with friends for game nights. Almost no one has any idea our relationship is different than their own, because for the most part it's not. People may notice I get my husband his drinks and bring him food.  I sometimes wear a plain leather collar in public (no O-rings or leash hooks), but everyone just assumes it's a fashion statement. We don't hide our dynamic, but neither do we advertise it.

Other couples, with more protocols or rules in place, adjust for being out in public. Subtle gestures and eye contact substituted for vocal requests or protocols may be dropped entirely.

Should we have to do this though? A question that causes strong opinions across the kink board. If we're not behaving in a sexual manner, why shouldn't my dominant lead me around by a leash, or have me refer to him as "Master"?  Just because someone doesn't want to behave that way with their significant other doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to with  mine. (No one is advocating to expose anyone, especially minors, to anything sexual.)

The prevailing argument against behaving in a manner that would lead to one's relationship/kink being "outed", is that by behaving in a kinky manner you are automatically including those around you in your kink without their permission. Which, due to the controversial nature of much of kink, most people within the BDSM community are very careful about not doing, with each other or others.

How I display my D/s is not sexual. i wear a collar. Sometimes I wear cuffs. Both usually go unnoticed, or admired as a fashion piece. Sometimes I wish I displayed submission in a way people wouldn't get confused with fashion. I'm not sure I should act ashamed of how my relationship works.

When does one's ignorance of D/s relationships (which may cause discomfort seeing my nonsexual submission displayed) outweigh my right to proudly show I obey, and belong to, my husband? Talking is good. Questions are good. Education is good.

Children understand "traditional" marriage without heterosexual sex being laid out for them. The explanation of my relationship doesn't need to be defined in sexual terms either.

In my own life, I prefer not to stand out. I don't want to discuss my personal choices, or sex life, with others.  So in general, I stick with non attention gaining displays of submission.

Just a side, but important note, BDSM/power exchange relationships do not have to be about sex.  Being tied up by anyone other than Ryan is not sexual to me. Some BDSM relationships are not sexual in nature ever.

I don't have an answer to the public kink question. Even to myself. Though, perhaps the question won't become as black and white in a few years. As BDSM activities become more main stream, and acceptance of those different views in general grows, there may be a time aspects of kink relationships can be shown without shame or offense.

People are accepting, not groups

So it's that time of year, the season of Renaissance Festivals! Our local one runs from late August through late October. Yesterday my other half the of the slash, and I made our way down to the Annapolis countryside to join with thousands of others in enjoying mead, turkey legs, music, theatre, and local artesian goods.

I won't deny it. For me, the Renaissance Fair is like an adult Disneyland, the happiest place on earth. People are drinking and eating favorite foods, meeting up with old friends, and dressing how they want.

There is also a large number of kinksters involved in the Rennfest. As such, I always feel very free to wear my collar and/or cuffs when I attend the festival. (I also have a number of corsets I am able to finally make public use of!) Yesterday I received a number of compliments on my pretty pink collar, and then later on a significantly more substantial collar and cuff set. Of course I can't be sure, but I hardly believe all the people who complimented my collars were kinky. Most interesting to me, no one seemed to find the collar a big deal, other than it was attractive. Only one person mistook my shyness for being in a picture as being unsure about my collar. Dressed in all out steampunk, she assured me I should dress however I wanted and people would be accepting of it at the Renfest and if they weren't, "screw 'em".

What a wonderful place!

Today that experience has me thinking about the way we accept others. In this case, acceptance of BDSM by those who don't practice it, and acceptance of each other within the kink community.

I am part of a local BDSM group that is very inviting, but I'm not able to attend events/meetings as often as I like. As with any group, if you're not there often, it's difficult to maintain acquaintances, much less make and keep friends.

To supplement my BDSM community need, I am part of an online one, FetLife, arguably the largest one of it's kind. As online communities will, it draws a large number of people from different walks of life, backgrounds, and beliefs. With all the drama an online screen name brings. Thankfully, that's not all FetLife offers. I can't begin explain how helpful and educational it's been.

Even though it has not been my experience, it's a common complaint there is lack of acceptance by others in the BDSM community. To be very fair, I have been involved in a number of sub groups throughout my life and it's a complaint I have heard there as well.

When getting involved in the BDSM community, or any new group, there are several things to keep in mind:
1. Be outgoing. Introduce yourself and talk with others. Unless you're at a location where it's been pre set up, it is no one's responsibility to come greet you and take you under their wing. Will some people? Sure! And that's one of the best feelings in the world, but it's not something they are morally obligated to do. This is their downtime with friends and it takes a special person to include others in that.

2. Not everyone who has the same interests as you is a nice person. There are good, bad and indifferent people. Apply the same rules of social interaction you would at any location where you don't know anyone.

3. Don't judge an entire group off of your experience with a few.

4. Don't believe you know everything. You'd be wrong and you'll alienate others.

5. Enjoy yourself! Make friends. Find people to play with. Positive people who interact make friends faster than anyone else. And that's why you got involved right? To have fun.

As for acceptance by others not in the community, well, no guarantees either way. I come from a conservative background so I'm careful about what I share about myself. If someone doesn't like that I obtain my husband's permission before making decisions, that's not something I concern myself with. I could always explain if I thought it would help matters. We, the BDSM lifestylers, are at a tipping point, BDSM will become more and more mainstream. It's up to everyone to share only when they're comfortable.

Still, it gives me hope when I see a group of people (Rennfest participants) that have been exposed to BDSM participants and think no more of it than someone of a different religion or political affiliation, quite possibly less. I'm admittedly not the most optimistic person, but this makes the future look bright in all kinds of areas.

A rose by any other name

One of the interesting aspects of BDSM is the fact there is no official BDSM group or high council that makes all the rules. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do or define something. While this aspect allows great personal freedom of identification, it also creates confusion and debate.

Sure, there are guidelines that if one doesn't follow could mean others don't want to be around you for social or safety reasons, but that doesn't mean you get fined or stopped from labeling yourself a BDSM participant.

In fact labels could be where some of the greatest confusion comes from. BDSM, being an umbrella term, and everyone under that umbrella being unique in both how they practice bdsm, and each relationship they are in that includes BDSM, means there are nearly limitless ways to label oneself and relationships.

There are numerous titles and labels pertaining to BDSM and other people have spent the time to complete such a list. For this example, though, I will stay with some common titles used in 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationships. This includes, but is not limited to, Dominant (Dom or Domme)/submissive, Master or Mistress/slave, Owner/property, Owner/pet, Daddy or Mommy/babygirl or babyboy, Daddy or Mommy/little.

In the broadest use of general, submissives are people who submit, but under certain terms and in certain ways. Negotiations can be common as new aspects are introduced into the relationship.

Those who identify as slaves tend to  submit in all areas at all times. There are no more negotiations once a slave is taken on as such. Whatever the Master/Mistress decides in any situations is how it is. This is often closely tied with Owner/property where the property sees themselves as an object for the Owner to use as they will. As someone with no rights within that relationship.

A babygirl/boy is someone who either age plays and/or has childlike aspects to their nature. Their Mommy/Daddy has the role of caretaker. They care for their babyboy/girl emotionally and physically extensively, as one would a child. Although, there are relationships where the babygirl/boy is actually the dominant and the Daddy/Mommy cares for them in a submissive role.

Even though those are generally accepted definitions of the titles, it's not uncommon to meet a "slave" who has limits, or a "submissive" who only submits when they want to. People are free to identify however they feel they should. If you see yourself as a babygirl, then you are a babygirl. End of story.

On top of that if defining each title wasn't complicated enough, one does not always identify with just one title.

What's important to remember is you can't categorize a person by their title(s). You have to get to know them and see how that title plays out. Therefore a Master should not say to someone "You are not a slave," but "You are not a slave that is compatible with me." At any given time someone is not a "fake" or "bad" <insert title>. They are either non compatible, or none of your damn business.

I happen to really like this about BDSM. Although it would be easier to know certain things about a person by how they title themselves, in the long run I feel it's better for personal expression, and less judgement in the community, to not have strict definitions.

As the number of people who identify as BDSM increases this may change, but it's all part of any "fringe" group becoming mainstream. Change may be painful, but it's always going to happen. Hopefully we learned our lesson from history on acceptance.

Must be good to be King

(Apologies for the gendered nature of the post title, but the quote fit perfectly for today's topic. To be very clear, the title of dominant is genderless.)

So being in control and having someone else do what you say sounds like fun? It certainly can be, but it's also a lot of responsibility. The more control a dominant person takes, the more responsibility they incur.

For example, you want to take control of what your submissive eats? Now you need to decide what kind of outcome you want from their diet. Do you want them to gain weight, lose weight, cut out sugar, become vegan? Do they have health issues that you need to keep in mind? Do their likes or dislikes matter to you? Many dominants care about the well being of their submissive. So, in this example, they would choose ways to control their submissive's diet that lead to a healthier life for that person. Sometimes the dominant may not care about the submissive's health specifically, they may just want to simplify things and have the submissive eat whatever the dominants eats and likes.

Some people thrive on this kind of responsibility. They know they are good decision makers and find that making the decisions themselves is better than relying on someone else to. At the same time, being a submissive does not imply a person is incapable of making decisions. In fact, the submissive should be very sure of their decision making ability if they have chosen to enter into a TPE (total power exchange) relationship.

Being in a TPE relationship does not mean the submissive gives up making decisions. Like everything in BDSM, you do what works best for you and your partner(s). For example, a dominant may expect their submissive to run the household. The dominant will give expectations as to what they want the result to be, but it's up to the submissive to make decisions that keep the home functioning in that manner. Or perhaps the dominant does have an exact way they want the broccoli cooked, and an exact time for it to be on the table. Some dominants micromanage, some don't.

It's a common misconception that people who identifies as a submissives are meek and do what anyone tells them to. Since a submissive can be any type of person, I'm sure some are that way, but most of the time the choice to submit is made from a position of power.  The submissive chooses if, and who, they will submit to.

Every dominant is different, just as every submissive is different. They have different needs and goals from the relationship.  It is important both submissive and dominant make sure they are compatible before entering a TPE relationship. Just like a non TPE relationship. You would probably not choose to be with someone long term if they had different goals and priorities than you.

So what does 50 Shades of Grey have to do with BDSM?

Just what does 50 Shades of Grey have to do with BDSM, and why does the BDSM community see it as mostly negative? Because... FSOG portrays a fantasy based, abusive example, of a 24/7 total power exchange (TPE) relationship.

In actuality a 24/7 TPE relationship is the dominant person asking for and being given consent, by the submissive, to take 24/7 control (not just during sex) over whatever aspect(s) of the submissive's life have been negotiated. For some this can be the dominant taking over a few specific areas, such as exercise and what the submissive eats. It's easier for the couple to decide what the dominant does control, as opposed to what they do not control. While for others it's easier to negotiate what the dominant doesn't control. For example, the dominant may take on everything in the submissive's life other than child rearing and finances. For still others the dominant takes control of everything about the submissive. What they eat, wear, job they have, where the money they earn goes, who they can talk to, etc. Everything.

There is no "right" way of being in a TPE relationship. People do what works best for the two of them. Couples whose dominant controls everything are not a "better" dominants and submissives than those where the submissive generally does what the dominant wants, and a only gives up control of their exercise routine. If you live in Florida because you love the heat and someone else lives in Maine because they prefer the snow, neither of those locations is better than the other. The locations are simply better for specific people.

When a dominant takes control of the submissive's life, the submissive can give what is often termed "blanket consent", or the couple choose to live in a consensual/non consensual (CNC) relationship. However it is phrased, the submissive gives their consent once to cover any future consents needed. People can take years to reach this level of trust with their partner.

What is upsetting, to many, about FSOG, is the lack of consent obtained by Christian. He controls and physically assaults Ana without obtaining her consent. He threatens and cajoles her into doing what he wants.  He stalks and emotionally manipulates her. You have probably heard it before, but I will say it again, this is abuse. This is NOT BDSM.

I understand FSOG is a fantasy based story, but many people don't. Including my co-workers. When the book, came out there were a number of "water cooler" discussions. My co-workers would say "sometimes a woman doesn't want to be in control". As a woman in a 24/7 TPE relationship I could only agree. However, I pointed out, Ana had not consented to being in that type of relationship. They argued it was up to the man to know and take that control from the woman, and for me to "loosen up".

If good and caring people with doctorates interpret FSOG this way, how might an 18 boy or girl translate it into their dating life? This is why I am a strong believer is education and discussion of BDSM.

SSC , RACK and other kinds of precautions

There are several key concepts to keep in mind when handing someone the opportunity to physically and/or emotionally harm you. To me, it boils down to three things I want to have covered before stepping in front of someone with a flogger: Communication, Cognizance and Consent.

Communicate, communicate, and then communicate again. Before entering into a BDSM scene , the participants discuss expectations and limits of what will happen. If someone is going to flog me (the bottom) I will share any health (physical, emotional or mental) conditions I have that could be affected by the flogging. I will explain how to avoid aggravating this condition. I also want to be clear on my limit of flogging. Let's say I don't mind having raised welts, but I don't want the skin broken. I communicate exactly the limit of controled physical impact I want from this scene.

In return, the person flogging (the top) clarifies any questions they have about what I've told them and explains their expectations and limits for the scene. The top may wish to use two floggers and will ask if I am comfortable with that. (There should be no surprises in a scene unless the use of "surprises" has been discussed and clear guidelines of what can be used for a surprise given.) The top could also tell me they don't feel comfortable giving me welts, and wish only to use the flogger lightly.

Things that also may be discussed are duration or a possibly specific event order. Anything that you do/could have an opinion on, now is the time to express it.  If, after discussing, either person no longer wishes to be involved in the scene, it is imperative they decline. It could be dangerous for themselves, or others, and can create distrust should something go wrong when it didn't have to.

Another topic that will be discussed prior to a scene is the use of a "safe word". Safe words are used as a tool of communication between top and bottom during a scene. Traditional safe words are "red" and "orange". (Though people may make up their own.) If a bottom says "red" during a scene it means to stop the scene immediately. Something is wrong. "Yellow" means something isn't quite right and may need to be adjusted in order to continue. Sometimes the top will check in with the bottom during a scene to see how they are feeling. If something is wrong the bottom should say "red" or "orange", but if everything is fine they can simply say "green" and the top will continue.
Honest communication cannot be stressed enough if everyone is going to enjoy the scene and stay safe.

Congnizance, or being aware. (Yea, I was desperate for a "c" word.) Be aware of yourself, be aware of your partner(s) be aware of the situation. Are you having a bad day? Have you eaten enough to be physically capable of the scene? What is the skill level of your partner? Are they under any emotional duress? Do they clearly understand the limits? Do you trust them? Are you in a safe environment? (Emotionally, mentally, physically) Is there an emergency kit with appropriate contents should something go wrong in the scene?

Only once everyone has communicated, and is aware of all aspects of the situation, can consent for the scene be given. If the scene is altered to include something that was not consented to, trust has been broken. In order to keep themselves safe, people will generally only play with someone they can trust. At the same time though, the top is not a mind reader, and the bottom should not go back later and cry foul if they did not give clear instructions beforehand.

Broadly accepted acronyms for this kind of play include SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). However it's remembered, making sure everyone's experience is only what they agreed to is a cornerstone of BDSM.

But why?

So why does a husband want to give up control of part, if not all, of his life to his wife? Why would a caring friend want to inflict pain on someone else? Why does a young woman ask to be bound by rope until she can't move?

Why do you like pizza, or kissing, or reading? Why does anyone like anything, because it gives pleasure and/or meets a need.

The question is whether that need is being met, or pleasure given, in a healthy manner. I found myself coming at this in two different ways.

First, is everyone involved in the activity of legal age and mental clarity to give consent and has done so? If that is the case, then I do not have the right to tell them what they can or cannot do. They have every right to do what they feel is best for them as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. Consent is one of the golden rules of BDSM everyone can agree is needed. How consent is defined is a different matter, but more on that at another time.

Second, my own personal experience, hearing other's experiences, and the odd scientific study. My choice to live as a submissive in a power exchange dynamic and, as a masochist, receiving specific kinds of pain, whether it is sexual or not, has only brought me peace and happiness. This is what I hear across the board from other kinksters. I am far more at peace with myself, and able to manage my life in a healthier manner than before.

To give an example, I enjoy being tied up. Not like the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, but intricately and purposely bound into an object of beauty. (See Shibari.) Enjoy is not even a big enough word. Life is busy. My mind is always going a thousand directions. Being bound brings me peace. While being tied I have no requirements placed on me other than to connect with the artist tying me. There is an energy flow between the one being transformed into art, and the one creating the art form.  It's intimate and it's powerful. The peace after being tied can last from hours to days. It is one of the most fulfilling and joyful acts I have ever participated in. Rope bondage as definitely improved my life.

For those with a scientific bend, this article explains better than I can about several studies done involving those who practice BDSM. Like any study I have read, there are arguments about different questions that should have been asked, or groups that should have been included. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.

I know my answers to date have been vague. Literally a book can, and probably has been, written on each topic I've mentioned. This entry would have to be thousands of words long just to scratch the surface. Once I get a few basic overviews onto the blog, I will go back and discuss each point in much more depth.

Until then, good morning and have a fantastic day.

What is BDSM?

Before you can understand the different parts of BDSM you need to know what it is. BDSM is the acronym for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism. Practically speaking, BDSM is an umbrella term to cover people who live a lifestyle that incorporates any aspect of those three word sets.

Bondage and Discipline include those who enjoy restraining, or being restrained by, someone. This can be accomplished using just one's hands or implementing a tool such as rope. Discipline is when one person is given permission to correct the behavior of another through negative results.

Dominance and Submission is when a person is given control of some, to all of, another person's life. This can include anything from where to go for dinner to what someone wears, or if they can wear anything at all.

Sadism and Masochism is a person who enjoys giving or receiving pain.

Now you probably jumped to the most extreme vision these actions can mean. And yes, there are people who do practice anything your mind can dream up, and no, there is nothing wrong with that. At the same time there are many many people who enjoy a fun spanking in bed or being hand cuffed to the headboard. These people may not count themselves as practicing BDSM, but under the definition they could identify that way if they wished.

Another acronym to keep in mind is WIITWD (what it is that we do). If a person does something that makes them happy, and is not endangering someone who is unable to give consent (a child or animal), then you should not judge them for it.

So the big question is why? Why would someone choose these actions? There are, of course, more answers than there are even people answering the question, but I'll give some general reasons in the next article.

Why you should want to know more

So you caught a glimpse of a flogger in your Settlers of Catan host's closet. Maybe your co-worker had a pair of cuffs, and not the fuzzy kind, fall out of her purse. Maybe your best friend's dog came from the bedroom carrying a ball gag.

Of course I'm going to assume you responded maturely and didn't judge them, but suddenly all that Fifty Shades of whatever color that is again, has raised it's head in your world and your reality. Do you want to know more so you don't have to be worried or uncomfortable, or simply ignore the whole thing? Keep in mind, kink/BDSM is not just in the bedroom, sometimes it's not even about sex, and it is becoming more and more mainstream.

Don't worry, it's not so bad! Read, ask, Google, but do not watch porn to understand something that very much so happens in real life! (I never thought I'd have to type that sentence, but unfortunately the need is real.)

Like any other extreme action (skydiving, cave exploring, living off the grid) practicing BDSM can be, if done with proper knowledge and training, relatively safe. Indeed, some aspects of BDSM are not dangerous at all.

So go ahead, look around. There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of BDSM sites on the internet.   Just remember two things: as with anything else you read on the internet, take it with a grain of salt, and there are no hard and fast rules, there is no such thing as one "true" way to practice BDSM.

I have been living a BDSM lifestyle for the last 8 years and, like many, have had the occasional incident where my private life and my public life accidentally collided. Fifteen years ago no one would have understood the slight collision, and most likely we all would have moved happily on in our own worlds. These days there's just enough information to make non kinksters nervous, and fear of something never brings about a positive response.

I will be posting articles as I can write them. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or would like an article about a specific topic.

Good luck and have fun in your seach!