Gift of the Submissive

Is someone's submission a gift or a trade? Does it make a difference?

Relationships that incorporate D/s and/or BDSM aspects are, at heart, no different than any other relationship. Two people come together because they meet each other's needs. If the needs of both individuals are not met, the relationship doesn't work.

Many people in D/s relationships toss around the term the "gift" of submission, and I understand where they're coming from. Someone trusting you enough to give you the right to make decisions in their life in order to keep them happy and safe is monumental. (Remember happiness as defined by each individual.) A great honor indeed.

I think the point is the value placed on submission. When I gave my husband the right to make decisions for me, and my future, I didn't want him to shrug it off or minimize the choice. However, my decision was not made into a void.
1. *very important* I knew what kind of man I was submitting to. His intelligence, capabilities, morals, personality.
2. I knew we had the same kind of kinks and interests and that he cared for me. So he would be able to give me what I needed in order for me to be happy and our relationship to function at its optimal level. (Loving someone is not a requirement for a D/s relationship at all. I just need it in mine.)

If submission is a gift, then the person on the other end should be appreciative of the gift correct? Where as, if I come in and say I'll give you submission if you give me your domination. Then it's not really that romantic and sounds much more even footed. Which it is! Before someone enters into a D/s relationship they are on exactly on the same footing and very equal in rights and expectations. The dominant is not indebted to me for giving them my submission any more than I am to him because he has given me his domination We both meet each other's needs.

So while I understand the reason people term submission a gift, I prefer to think of it as an equal trade. I don't want someone indebted to me (God I hate when someone at the office gets me a Christmas gift and I didn't get them one!) and I don't want to be indebted to someone else.

So I know it's been a while since I posted, for us the holiday season starts several weeks before Halloween. ("Holiday" meaning Halloween, Samhain, Thanksgiving, Winter Solstice, and Christmas. Whew!) During all the doing and the planning, though, I've managed to start The Gorean series by John Norman.
I've always been curious about this series. Having known several "Goreans"casually, and the fact the series often causes conflict on BDSM forums, means I knew enough to be interested, but not enough to hold out any convictions on the subject matter.

*For any who identify as Goreans, I apologize if the following misrepresents the series or your beliefs in any way. This post is my current understanding of the series and philosophy of Gor. Should you wish to correct anything please contact me at msjessc@hotmail.com. Baring profanity, I'll share your response on the blog.*

For those who aren't familiar, John Norman wrote an inflammatory science fiction/fantasy series about a planet named Gor. On Gor people live a somewhat Medieval reminiscent life, though with very different creatures, abilities, and technology. (Hence fantasy.)
What upsets so many about this series is how women on Gor are treated. Women have almost no rights. Free woman are controlled by their family or husband, while female slaves (a major focus of the series) have no rights and can be treated any way their master sees fit. The kicker is, most of the slaves like it, need it. One of the major premises of the series is how women crave to have a man rule over them. This is obviously not the only premise of the book, or probably the point of this created world, but it is what gets people riled up, either sexually or morally.
The series has gained rather a cult following, with a number of people living out the Gorean philosophy amongst each other. Since there is a Master/slave lifestyle under BDSM, there is a certain crossing over with Gorean people.
Most Gors I've met, either online or in person, have been extremely courteous and intelligent people. They did not treat me as they would a Gorean woman, because I am not Gorean. However, as there always seem to be, there is a subset of the group that goes to extreme and believe all women should be seen and not heard, and if they must speak at all, they must always do so respectfully to men. Seeing as how the BDSM umbrella is includes are a good number of female dominants and even more women who identify as submissive/slave, but ONLY to their chosen dominant/master, things can get a little tense.

So far I have greatly enjoyed the first three books. The planet is interesting, the main character endearing, though I hear he is replaced by someone else in the middle of the series. I have to say that's not unexpected as the series is around 25 books long! Good lord. If it's really all about female slaves, though, then I have to give credit where credit is due to Mr Norman's imagination!
Obviously three books is hardly a dent, so I'm waiting to see how everything goes. The general consensus online is the series runs out of steam about book 6. The plot becomes less important than the philosophy of Gorean society. Apparently, that's also when the focus of the books becomes focused on female enslavement causing the average non misogynistic reader gives up in disgust.

Though I have to admit I've enjoyed the whole female slave thread to the books. Having not gotten to the "hard core" part I'll have to wait and see how that plays out I suppose. Would I want to live as an actual slave to any man who could grab me? Um. No. Do I believe all women want a man to control every aspect of their lives and physically punish them for well, whatever they want? Hell no! However, for my twisted little mind, it's definitely a hot fantasy. So I read it as such. God knows enough porn follows the same guidelines. I'm honestly surprised at the number of men I've seen bash the books. Though I suppose men aren't used to reading porn in books. Having consumed probably far more than my fair share of erotic writings, I may be more prone to seeing it as such and not an actual social commentary on how we should structure our lives.

I look forward to sharing with you know how the series goes for me. As always, please let me know what you think!

Squick??: The Daddy Dom/ little girl relationship

Rightfully so, we have a strong revulsion to the idea of sexual involvement of a minor, and even more  so one's own child. Thankfully that is not at all what the Daddy Dom/little girl (Dd/lg) relationship is about. Yes the title lends itself to that definition, but "Daddy" is simply the closest term to encapsulating the deep love and care-taking aspect of the dominant in this relationship, and the devotion of the little girl.
Though Dd/lg relationships seem to get the most attention, there also Mommy Dom relationships and little boys as well. Some prefer the genderless title of "caretaker" or "little". While others may be female, but identify as a "Daddy" instead of "Mommy". Any, and all, combinations of such are legitimate expressions of this deeply loving relationship.
Due to the negative connotations attached to the Dd/lg title, I will continue to use it (including corresponding male and female pronouns) in this entry, but the explanations and concepts may translate to other Caretaker/little relationships as well.

Several things to keep in mind about Dd/lg couples.
1. Both of consenting adults. The "little" is not actually under 18.
2. Neither of the adults involved are biologically related
3. Little Girls have no more "daddy issues" than anyone else. Most love their biological father very much.
4. Dd/lg participants are just as horrified at the thought of including a minor in anything sexual, or incest, as you are.
(I would like to acknowledge there are specific incest role play kinks. It is my opinion these are genuine fantasies people have a right to, and as it is not played out in reality, there is nothing wrong with it.)

So what compels people to risk abhorrence by both kinky and vanilla alike, and identify as this relationship?

Just as a real life father may, a Daddy Dom takes care of, and guides, his little girl so she can grow into the potential they both see in her. With this in mind he lays a groundwork of structure and support. This can include anything from rules to bed times to what they're allowed to watch on tv and more. Physically, mentally and emotionally the Daddy's goal is to see his little girl achieve everything she can. He will provide the correct environment, encouragement and motivation for her to do so.
For the little girl, her Daddy is her world. Her knight in shining armor. She trusts him absolutely. She loves him unendingly and constantly shows him this love. She may draw him pictures, or send him love notes or give him hundreds of hugs a day. Anything that can convey how much he means to her. She needs him to know. She also wants to please him and make him proud of her, and strives to do so.
That being said, as with any relationship type, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of ways people can function as a Dd/lg (Caretaker/little) relationship. The above description simply attempts to capture the nature of the relationship, not make rules or narrowly define what one must be.
Some relationships involve age play. Some involve the little regressing in her mine until she feels, and acts, whatever younger age she identifies with. Some little girls simply have maintained their child like wonder of the world, and are not only "little" during certain times, but always have that side of them available.

My quick outline of the Dd/lg relationship is shallow and simple. I strongly urge you to do your own research into this beautiful relationship. Those who participate in Caretaker/little relationships deserve the utmost respect and acceptance.

For more information:
Dd/lg definition by a little
A library of people's thoughts on Dd/lg
Starting a Dd/lg relationship
GOOGLE is your friend!

Worth the risk?

Those involved in the BDSM community have all heard the horror stories. People losing their jobs and family when it comes out they're involved in kink activities. It seems obvious, to the public, that those who engage in either the physical, or mental aspects, of BDSM have control and/or anger issues while not having ethical standards. I mean, what kind of a person beats someone else for fun right?
For anyone wondering, tops who flog their bottom partner are not walking around all day suppressing the urge to reach out and attack the person next to them on the street. No more than I walk around hoping the guy across from me on the light rail will start slapping me. It's about comfort zones, trust, and consent. Always about consent.
BDSM isn't the only place this is true. For example, sex. I enjoy sex, but I don't walk around hoping a random stranger jumps me. (Yea, I know some people have that fantasy.) The difference between sex and rape is consent. The mindset of a rapist is very different than that of a consensual partner. Just like there's a huge difference in the mind of a healthy top and the violent sociopath people see them as.
Even in this day and age people involved in BDSM often hide their identities and take on kink names. It's such a tradition, even those who aren't trying to hide use a kink name. (Besides, it's kind of fun to rename yourself.) Also you never to go up to someone you saw at a kink gathering and acknowledge them in a vanilla (non kink) setting, unless previously agreed it would be comfortable for both people, or tag them in pictures you took at kink events. This is termed outing.

With all this fear of being outed, why would anyone engage in BDSM activity? What makes it worth the risk?

It is, of course, a complicated answer of weighing and balancing life for each person. Everyone should come to their own conclusions at no judgement from anyone else.
To focus on the need though, BDSM activities (again HUGE umbrella term) come in different strengths. Some men may prefer to be restrained during sex, but don't require it to enjoy the sexual act. Some women may be a dominant personality who like to make decisions, but they don't mind compromising with their spouse.
Then there are those who need to be tied up in order to be sexually fulfilled, or who become frustrated when they are not the one in charge of decisions in their home. It's how we function. It's how we're wired. Nature vs Nurture is a different discussion. However we got here, we're here now.
I tried the vanilla route in relationships. It. Does. Not. Work. Period. I am not at all happy in an equal authority romantic relationship. It would take more than a paragraph to explain all the reasons why, but the bottom line is I do not feel myself, I do not feel fulfilled, I am not happy. If you go a long period of time without being yourself, you find the value of happiness living your true self can bring is worth more than almost anything else.
(I'm not talking about depression, if you suffer from depression please contact a qualified professional. You do not have to feel this way.)
It's the "almost" that makes life messy. If my husband decided tomorrow we would be in a vanilla relationship would I end up having to leave him? I hope not. We would probably have to compromise with me getting my kink need met elsewhere as it's not fair of me to ask him to be someone he's not either. (Keep in mind, BDSM does not necessarily include sex.)
These are the questions that people struggle with every day. Just something to keep in mind the next time you see a newspaper article about a masochist, or it turns out your pharmacist is a dominatrix.

Will trade brain for submissive title

One of the mistakes new submissives can make when becoming involved in the BDSM community is checking their brain at the door. Not because they are stupid, but because all they have to compare to is fantasy. In fantasy the submissive is (oftentimes) ruled by dominants, all of them. Whatever a dominant says to do the submissive does.

I'll admit, I find that pretty hot, but it's not at all practical, and even less safe. The kink community will be the first to tell a submissive to use their brain above all else. Why would you do what someone says just because that person labels themselves a dominant? You don't know the person's intentions, skill level, or moral compass.

Kinky people are not "better" than vanilla people. They're just people, and there are just as many assholes in this community as any other. In fact, online there may be more, because, unfortunately, it's  known new submissives can be impressionable, and won't always tell a dominant to go fuck him/herself if need be. It makes those submissives vulnerable, and where there's vulnerability, there are predators. So the first rule of being a submissive is if you wouldn't let someone outside the kink community you don't trust do it to you, don't let someone inside the kink community you don't trust do it to you.

As I mentioned, this tends to happen more online than at actual munches or play parties. So if you stick with the local people it's rare you have a problem. The kink community is still small enough they tend to police themselves.

I don't want to be negative, but what BDSM deals with can be dangerous if you don't stay aware. Make friends and get to know people. There are absolutely some of the best people you'll ever meet in this community. Just make sure you do it in a safe way, so you can find the good ones.

I am woman, hear me consent?

As a woman, how do I feel about giving up my right to the final say on decisions that affect me, or serving my husband 24/7 with all the trappings of the 1950s housewife we now pity? *

Wonderful! Fantastic! Strong! Powerful!

My decision to submit, who I submit to, and how I submit are made because I know who I am and what I want. I didn't make these choices because I'm stupid or emotionally weak and need someone to walk me through life. I don't serve my husband because I was born into a society that said I had to. I knew what I wanted out of a partner, I found someone I wanted to partner with, and I negotiated to find what works best for both of us.  

Neither does the fact that I submit to my husband mean I am incapable of leadership. I was a manager for a number of years. There are plenty of CEOs, doctors, and other leaders that are submissives to specific people. 

Finding joy in submission doesn't mean you're broken, or weak, any more than being an introvert means you are. In both instances you're simply powered differently than those who are fulfilled and recharged in other ways. 

I do want to add a shout out to the male submissives, who have it very hard going against the traditional male role of being the one in charge. 

I am a submissive because it makes me the best me possible and, as a woman, I have the right to make that choice. 

*Submission looks different in every relationship. For this post I used my life as an example. Don't assume anything about another person's Dominant/submissive dynamic.

When is my kink more important than your disapproval?

As I've mentioned, my husband and I are in a 24/7 total power exchange relationship. My husband is extremely laid back. So we don't really have any protocols, he could care less about titles, and our few rules are as follows:
1. I speak respectfully to my husband at all times. I can disagree all I want, but I must do it respectfully and what he says in the end goes. Which brings us to the next rule..
2.Whatever my husband decides is what happens. This includes everything from how the house runs daily to which house we buy. (Of course my husband wants and takes my opinion on matters. He does after all love and think highly of me. I would not have married him or agreed to this dynamic otherwise.)
3. If I have any question about what my husband may want in a situation I must ask him before proceeding.
4. I serve my husband. Does he sometimes "serve" me as well, most definitely, but 24/7 I perform traditional service actions in our relationship. (Think 1950s housewife.)

How does this look to others in our every day life, like every other couple I know. We laugh a lot, we tease each other, we disagree, we each have good and bad days, we hang out with friends for game nights. Almost no one has any idea our relationship is different than their own, because for the most part it's not. People may notice I get my husband his drinks and bring him food.  I sometimes wear a plain leather collar in public (no O-rings or leash hooks), but everyone just assumes it's a fashion statement. We don't hide our dynamic, but neither do we advertise it.

Other couples, with more protocols or rules in place, adjust for being out in public. Subtle gestures and eye contact substituted for vocal requests or protocols may be dropped entirely.

Should we have to do this though? A question that causes strong opinions across the kink board. If we're not behaving in a sexual manner, why shouldn't my dominant lead me around by a leash, or have me refer to him as "Master"?  Just because someone doesn't want to behave that way with their significant other doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to with  mine. (No one is advocating to expose anyone, especially minors, to anything sexual.)

The prevailing argument against behaving in a manner that would lead to one's relationship/kink being "outed", is that by behaving in a kinky manner you are automatically including those around you in your kink without their permission. Which, due to the controversial nature of much of kink, most people within the BDSM community are very careful about not doing, with each other or others.

How I display my D/s is not sexual. i wear a collar. Sometimes I wear cuffs. Both usually go unnoticed, or admired as a fashion piece. Sometimes I wish I displayed submission in a way people wouldn't get confused with fashion. I'm not sure I should act ashamed of how my relationship works.

When does one's ignorance of D/s relationships (which may cause discomfort seeing my nonsexual submission displayed) outweigh my right to proudly show I obey, and belong to, my husband? Talking is good. Questions are good. Education is good.

Children understand "traditional" marriage without heterosexual sex being laid out for them. The explanation of my relationship doesn't need to be defined in sexual terms either.

In my own life, I prefer not to stand out. I don't want to discuss my personal choices, or sex life, with others.  So in general, I stick with non attention gaining displays of submission.

Just a side, but important note, BDSM/power exchange relationships do not have to be about sex.  Being tied up by anyone other than Ryan is not sexual to me. Some BDSM relationships are not sexual in nature ever.

I don't have an answer to the public kink question. Even to myself. Though, perhaps the question won't become as black and white in a few years. As BDSM activities become more main stream, and acceptance of those different views in general grows, there may be a time aspects of kink relationships can be shown without shame or offense.