People are accepting, not groups

So it's that time of year, the season of Renaissance Festivals! Our local one runs from late August through late October. Yesterday my other half the of the slash, and I made our way down to the Annapolis countryside to join with thousands of others in enjoying mead, turkey legs, music, theatre, and local artesian goods.

I won't deny it. For me, the Renaissance Fair is like an adult Disneyland, the happiest place on earth. People are drinking and eating favorite foods, meeting up with old friends, and dressing how they want.

There is also a large number of kinksters involved in the Rennfest. As such, I always feel very free to wear my collar and/or cuffs when I attend the festival. (I also have a number of corsets I am able to finally make public use of!) Yesterday I received a number of compliments on my pretty pink collar, and then later on a significantly more substantial collar and cuff set. Of course I can't be sure, but I hardly believe all the people who complimented my collars were kinky. Most interesting to me, no one seemed to find the collar a big deal, other than it was attractive. Only one person mistook my shyness for being in a picture as being unsure about my collar. Dressed in all out steampunk, she assured me I should dress however I wanted and people would be accepting of it at the Renfest and if they weren't, "screw 'em".

What a wonderful place!

Today that experience has me thinking about the way we accept others. In this case, acceptance of BDSM by those who don't practice it, and acceptance of each other within the kink community.

I am part of a local BDSM group that is very inviting, but I'm not able to attend events/meetings as often as I like. As with any group, if you're not there often, it's difficult to maintain acquaintances, much less make and keep friends.

To supplement my BDSM community need, I am part of an online one, FetLife, arguably the largest one of it's kind. As online communities will, it draws a large number of people from different walks of life, backgrounds, and beliefs. With all the drama an online screen name brings. Thankfully, that's not all FetLife offers. I can't begin explain how helpful and educational it's been.

Even though it has not been my experience, it's a common complaint there is lack of acceptance by others in the BDSM community. To be very fair, I have been involved in a number of sub groups throughout my life and it's a complaint I have heard there as well.

When getting involved in the BDSM community, or any new group, there are several things to keep in mind:
1. Be outgoing. Introduce yourself and talk with others. Unless you're at a location where it's been pre set up, it is no one's responsibility to come greet you and take you under their wing. Will some people? Sure! And that's one of the best feelings in the world, but it's not something they are morally obligated to do. This is their downtime with friends and it takes a special person to include others in that.

2. Not everyone who has the same interests as you is a nice person. There are good, bad and indifferent people. Apply the same rules of social interaction you would at any location where you don't know anyone.

3. Don't judge an entire group off of your experience with a few.

4. Don't believe you know everything. You'd be wrong and you'll alienate others.

5. Enjoy yourself! Make friends. Find people to play with. Positive people who interact make friends faster than anyone else. And that's why you got involved right? To have fun.

As for acceptance by others not in the community, well, no guarantees either way. I come from a conservative background so I'm careful about what I share about myself. If someone doesn't like that I obtain my husband's permission before making decisions, that's not something I concern myself with. I could always explain if I thought it would help matters. We, the BDSM lifestylers, are at a tipping point, BDSM will become more and more mainstream. It's up to everyone to share only when they're comfortable.

Still, it gives me hope when I see a group of people (Rennfest participants) that have been exposed to BDSM participants and think no more of it than someone of a different religion or political affiliation, quite possibly less. I'm admittedly not the most optimistic person, but this makes the future look bright in all kinds of areas.

A rose by any other name

One of the interesting aspects of BDSM is the fact there is no official BDSM group or high council that makes all the rules. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do or define something. While this aspect allows great personal freedom of identification, it also creates confusion and debate.

Sure, there are guidelines that if one doesn't follow could mean others don't want to be around you for social or safety reasons, but that doesn't mean you get fined or stopped from labeling yourself a BDSM participant.

In fact labels could be where some of the greatest confusion comes from. BDSM, being an umbrella term, and everyone under that umbrella being unique in both how they practice bdsm, and each relationship they are in that includes BDSM, means there are nearly limitless ways to label oneself and relationships.

There are numerous titles and labels pertaining to BDSM and other people have spent the time to complete such a list. For this example, though, I will stay with some common titles used in 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationships. This includes, but is not limited to, Dominant (Dom or Domme)/submissive, Master or Mistress/slave, Owner/property, Owner/pet, Daddy or Mommy/babygirl or babyboy, Daddy or Mommy/little.

In the broadest use of general, submissives are people who submit, but under certain terms and in certain ways. Negotiations can be common as new aspects are introduced into the relationship.

Those who identify as slaves tend to  submit in all areas at all times. There are no more negotiations once a slave is taken on as such. Whatever the Master/Mistress decides in any situations is how it is. This is often closely tied with Owner/property where the property sees themselves as an object for the Owner to use as they will. As someone with no rights within that relationship.

A babygirl/boy is someone who either age plays and/or has childlike aspects to their nature. Their Mommy/Daddy has the role of caretaker. They care for their babyboy/girl emotionally and physically extensively, as one would a child. Although, there are relationships where the babygirl/boy is actually the dominant and the Daddy/Mommy cares for them in a submissive role.

Even though those are generally accepted definitions of the titles, it's not uncommon to meet a "slave" who has limits, or a "submissive" who only submits when they want to. People are free to identify however they feel they should. If you see yourself as a babygirl, then you are a babygirl. End of story.

On top of that if defining each title wasn't complicated enough, one does not always identify with just one title.

What's important to remember is you can't categorize a person by their title(s). You have to get to know them and see how that title plays out. Therefore a Master should not say to someone "You are not a slave," but "You are not a slave that is compatible with me." At any given time someone is not a "fake" or "bad" <insert title>. They are either non compatible, or none of your damn business.

I happen to really like this about BDSM. Although it would be easier to know certain things about a person by how they title themselves, in the long run I feel it's better for personal expression, and less judgement in the community, to not have strict definitions.

As the number of people who identify as BDSM increases this may change, but it's all part of any "fringe" group becoming mainstream. Change may be painful, but it's always going to happen. Hopefully we learned our lesson from history on acceptance.

Must be good to be King

(Apologies for the gendered nature of the post title, but the quote fit perfectly for today's topic. To be very clear, the title of dominant is genderless.)

So being in control and having someone else do what you say sounds like fun? It certainly can be, but it's also a lot of responsibility. The more control a dominant person takes, the more responsibility they incur.

For example, you want to take control of what your submissive eats? Now you need to decide what kind of outcome you want from their diet. Do you want them to gain weight, lose weight, cut out sugar, become vegan? Do they have health issues that you need to keep in mind? Do their likes or dislikes matter to you? Many dominants care about the well being of their submissive. So, in this example, they would choose ways to control their submissive's diet that lead to a healthier life for that person. Sometimes the dominant may not care about the submissive's health specifically, they may just want to simplify things and have the submissive eat whatever the dominants eats and likes.

Some people thrive on this kind of responsibility. They know they are good decision makers and find that making the decisions themselves is better than relying on someone else to. At the same time, being a submissive does not imply a person is incapable of making decisions. In fact, the submissive should be very sure of their decision making ability if they have chosen to enter into a TPE (total power exchange) relationship.

Being in a TPE relationship does not mean the submissive gives up making decisions. Like everything in BDSM, you do what works best for you and your partner(s). For example, a dominant may expect their submissive to run the household. The dominant will give expectations as to what they want the result to be, but it's up to the submissive to make decisions that keep the home functioning in that manner. Or perhaps the dominant does have an exact way they want the broccoli cooked, and an exact time for it to be on the table. Some dominants micromanage, some don't.

It's a common misconception that people who identifies as a submissives are meek and do what anyone tells them to. Since a submissive can be any type of person, I'm sure some are that way, but most of the time the choice to submit is made from a position of power.  The submissive chooses if, and who, they will submit to.

Every dominant is different, just as every submissive is different. They have different needs and goals from the relationship.  It is important both submissive and dominant make sure they are compatible before entering a TPE relationship. Just like a non TPE relationship. You would probably not choose to be with someone long term if they had different goals and priorities than you.

So what does 50 Shades of Grey have to do with BDSM?

Just what does 50 Shades of Grey have to do with BDSM, and why does the BDSM community see it as mostly negative? Because... FSOG portrays a fantasy based, abusive example, of a 24/7 total power exchange (TPE) relationship.

In actuality a 24/7 TPE relationship is the dominant person asking for and being given consent, by the submissive, to take 24/7 control (not just during sex) over whatever aspect(s) of the submissive's life have been negotiated. For some this can be the dominant taking over a few specific areas, such as exercise and what the submissive eats. It's easier for the couple to decide what the dominant does control, as opposed to what they do not control. While for others it's easier to negotiate what the dominant doesn't control. For example, the dominant may take on everything in the submissive's life other than child rearing and finances. For still others the dominant takes control of everything about the submissive. What they eat, wear, job they have, where the money they earn goes, who they can talk to, etc. Everything.

There is no "right" way of being in a TPE relationship. People do what works best for the two of them. Couples whose dominant controls everything are not a "better" dominants and submissives than those where the submissive generally does what the dominant wants, and a only gives up control of their exercise routine. If you live in Florida because you love the heat and someone else lives in Maine because they prefer the snow, neither of those locations is better than the other. The locations are simply better for specific people.

When a dominant takes control of the submissive's life, the submissive can give what is often termed "blanket consent", or the couple choose to live in a consensual/non consensual (CNC) relationship. However it is phrased, the submissive gives their consent once to cover any future consents needed. People can take years to reach this level of trust with their partner.

What is upsetting, to many, about FSOG, is the lack of consent obtained by Christian. He controls and physically assaults Ana without obtaining her consent. He threatens and cajoles her into doing what he wants.  He stalks and emotionally manipulates her. You have probably heard it before, but I will say it again, this is abuse. This is NOT BDSM.

I understand FSOG is a fantasy based story, but many people don't. Including my co-workers. When the book, came out there were a number of "water cooler" discussions. My co-workers would say "sometimes a woman doesn't want to be in control". As a woman in a 24/7 TPE relationship I could only agree. However, I pointed out, Ana had not consented to being in that type of relationship. They argued it was up to the man to know and take that control from the woman, and for me to "loosen up".

If good and caring people with doctorates interpret FSOG this way, how might an 18 boy or girl translate it into their dating life? This is why I am a strong believer is education and discussion of BDSM.

SSC , RACK and other kinds of precautions

There are several key concepts to keep in mind when handing someone the opportunity to physically and/or emotionally harm you. To me, it boils down to three things I want to have covered before stepping in front of someone with a flogger: Communication, Cognizance and Consent.

Communicate, communicate, and then communicate again. Before entering into a BDSM scene , the participants discuss expectations and limits of what will happen. If someone is going to flog me (the bottom) I will share any health (physical, emotional or mental) conditions I have that could be affected by the flogging. I will explain how to avoid aggravating this condition. I also want to be clear on my limit of flogging. Let's say I don't mind having raised welts, but I don't want the skin broken. I communicate exactly the limit of controled physical impact I want from this scene.

In return, the person flogging (the top) clarifies any questions they have about what I've told them and explains their expectations and limits for the scene. The top may wish to use two floggers and will ask if I am comfortable with that. (There should be no surprises in a scene unless the use of "surprises" has been discussed and clear guidelines of what can be used for a surprise given.) The top could also tell me they don't feel comfortable giving me welts, and wish only to use the flogger lightly.

Things that also may be discussed are duration or a possibly specific event order. Anything that you do/could have an opinion on, now is the time to express it.  If, after discussing, either person no longer wishes to be involved in the scene, it is imperative they decline. It could be dangerous for themselves, or others, and can create distrust should something go wrong when it didn't have to.

Another topic that will be discussed prior to a scene is the use of a "safe word". Safe words are used as a tool of communication between top and bottom during a scene. Traditional safe words are "red" and "orange". (Though people may make up their own.) If a bottom says "red" during a scene it means to stop the scene immediately. Something is wrong. "Yellow" means something isn't quite right and may need to be adjusted in order to continue. Sometimes the top will check in with the bottom during a scene to see how they are feeling. If something is wrong the bottom should say "red" or "orange", but if everything is fine they can simply say "green" and the top will continue.
Honest communication cannot be stressed enough if everyone is going to enjoy the scene and stay safe.

Congnizance, or being aware. (Yea, I was desperate for a "c" word.) Be aware of yourself, be aware of your partner(s) be aware of the situation. Are you having a bad day? Have you eaten enough to be physically capable of the scene? What is the skill level of your partner? Are they under any emotional duress? Do they clearly understand the limits? Do you trust them? Are you in a safe environment? (Emotionally, mentally, physically) Is there an emergency kit with appropriate contents should something go wrong in the scene?

Only once everyone has communicated, and is aware of all aspects of the situation, can consent for the scene be given. If the scene is altered to include something that was not consented to, trust has been broken. In order to keep themselves safe, people will generally only play with someone they can trust. At the same time though, the top is not a mind reader, and the bottom should not go back later and cry foul if they did not give clear instructions beforehand.

Broadly accepted acronyms for this kind of play include SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). However it's remembered, making sure everyone's experience is only what they agreed to is a cornerstone of BDSM.

But why?

So why does a husband want to give up control of part, if not all, of his life to his wife? Why would a caring friend want to inflict pain on someone else? Why does a young woman ask to be bound by rope until she can't move?

Why do you like pizza, or kissing, or reading? Why does anyone like anything, because it gives pleasure and/or meets a need.

The question is whether that need is being met, or pleasure given, in a healthy manner. I found myself coming at this in two different ways.

First, is everyone involved in the activity of legal age and mental clarity to give consent and has done so? If that is the case, then I do not have the right to tell them what they can or cannot do. They have every right to do what they feel is best for them as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. Consent is one of the golden rules of BDSM everyone can agree is needed. How consent is defined is a different matter, but more on that at another time.

Second, my own personal experience, hearing other's experiences, and the odd scientific study. My choice to live as a submissive in a power exchange dynamic and, as a masochist, receiving specific kinds of pain, whether it is sexual or not, has only brought me peace and happiness. This is what I hear across the board from other kinksters. I am far more at peace with myself, and able to manage my life in a healthier manner than before.

To give an example, I enjoy being tied up. Not like the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, but intricately and purposely bound into an object of beauty. (See Shibari.) Enjoy is not even a big enough word. Life is busy. My mind is always going a thousand directions. Being bound brings me peace. While being tied I have no requirements placed on me other than to connect with the artist tying me. There is an energy flow between the one being transformed into art, and the one creating the art form.  It's intimate and it's powerful. The peace after being tied can last from hours to days. It is one of the most fulfilling and joyful acts I have ever participated in. Rope bondage as definitely improved my life.

For those with a scientific bend, this article explains better than I can about several studies done involving those who practice BDSM. Like any study I have read, there are arguments about different questions that should have been asked, or groups that should have been included. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.

I know my answers to date have been vague. Literally a book can, and probably has been, written on each topic I've mentioned. This entry would have to be thousands of words long just to scratch the surface. Once I get a few basic overviews onto the blog, I will go back and discuss each point in much more depth.

Until then, good morning and have a fantastic day.

What is BDSM?

Before you can understand the different parts of BDSM you need to know what it is. BDSM is the acronym for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism. Practically speaking, BDSM is an umbrella term to cover people who live a lifestyle that incorporates any aspect of those three word sets.

Bondage and Discipline include those who enjoy restraining, or being restrained by, someone. This can be accomplished using just one's hands or implementing a tool such as rope. Discipline is when one person is given permission to correct the behavior of another through negative results.

Dominance and Submission is when a person is given control of some, to all of, another person's life. This can include anything from where to go for dinner to what someone wears, or if they can wear anything at all.

Sadism and Masochism is a person who enjoys giving or receiving pain.

Now you probably jumped to the most extreme vision these actions can mean. And yes, there are people who do practice anything your mind can dream up, and no, there is nothing wrong with that. At the same time there are many many people who enjoy a fun spanking in bed or being hand cuffed to the headboard. These people may not count themselves as practicing BDSM, but under the definition they could identify that way if they wished.

Another acronym to keep in mind is WIITWD (what it is that we do). If a person does something that makes them happy, and is not endangering someone who is unable to give consent (a child or animal), then you should not judge them for it.

So the big question is why? Why would someone choose these actions? There are, of course, more answers than there are even people answering the question, but I'll give some general reasons in the next article.

Why you should want to know more

So you caught a glimpse of a flogger in your Settlers of Catan host's closet. Maybe your co-worker had a pair of cuffs, and not the fuzzy kind, fall out of her purse. Maybe your best friend's dog came from the bedroom carrying a ball gag.

Of course I'm going to assume you responded maturely and didn't judge them, but suddenly all that Fifty Shades of whatever color that is again, has raised it's head in your world and your reality. Do you want to know more so you don't have to be worried or uncomfortable, or simply ignore the whole thing? Keep in mind, kink/BDSM is not just in the bedroom, sometimes it's not even about sex, and it is becoming more and more mainstream.

Don't worry, it's not so bad! Read, ask, Google, but do not watch porn to understand something that very much so happens in real life! (I never thought I'd have to type that sentence, but unfortunately the need is real.)

Like any other extreme action (skydiving, cave exploring, living off the grid) practicing BDSM can be, if done with proper knowledge and training, relatively safe. Indeed, some aspects of BDSM are not dangerous at all.

So go ahead, look around. There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of BDSM sites on the internet.   Just remember two things: as with anything else you read on the internet, take it with a grain of salt, and there are no hard and fast rules, there is no such thing as one "true" way to practice BDSM.

I have been living a BDSM lifestyle for the last 8 years and, like many, have had the occasional incident where my private life and my public life accidentally collided. Fifteen years ago no one would have understood the slight collision, and most likely we all would have moved happily on in our own worlds. These days there's just enough information to make non kinksters nervous, and fear of something never brings about a positive response.

I will be posting articles as I can write them. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or would like an article about a specific topic.

Good luck and have fun in your seach!