So what does 50 Shades of Grey have to do with BDSM?

Just what does 50 Shades of Grey have to do with BDSM, and why does the BDSM community see it as mostly negative? Because... FSOG portrays a fantasy based, abusive example, of a 24/7 total power exchange (TPE) relationship.

In actuality a 24/7 TPE relationship is the dominant person asking for and being given consent, by the submissive, to take 24/7 control (not just during sex) over whatever aspect(s) of the submissive's life have been negotiated. For some this can be the dominant taking over a few specific areas, such as exercise and what the submissive eats. It's easier for the couple to decide what the dominant does control, as opposed to what they do not control. While for others it's easier to negotiate what the dominant doesn't control. For example, the dominant may take on everything in the submissive's life other than child rearing and finances. For still others the dominant takes control of everything about the submissive. What they eat, wear, job they have, where the money they earn goes, who they can talk to, etc. Everything.

There is no "right" way of being in a TPE relationship. People do what works best for the two of them. Couples whose dominant controls everything are not a "better" dominants and submissives than those where the submissive generally does what the dominant wants, and a only gives up control of their exercise routine. If you live in Florida because you love the heat and someone else lives in Maine because they prefer the snow, neither of those locations is better than the other. The locations are simply better for specific people.

When a dominant takes control of the submissive's life, the submissive can give what is often termed "blanket consent", or the couple choose to live in a consensual/non consensual (CNC) relationship. However it is phrased, the submissive gives their consent once to cover any future consents needed. People can take years to reach this level of trust with their partner.

What is upsetting, to many, about FSOG, is the lack of consent obtained by Christian. He controls and physically assaults Ana without obtaining her consent. He threatens and cajoles her into doing what he wants.  He stalks and emotionally manipulates her. You have probably heard it before, but I will say it again, this is abuse. This is NOT BDSM.

I understand FSOG is a fantasy based story, but many people don't. Including my co-workers. When the book, came out there were a number of "water cooler" discussions. My co-workers would say "sometimes a woman doesn't want to be in control". As a woman in a 24/7 TPE relationship I could only agree. However, I pointed out, Ana had not consented to being in that type of relationship. They argued it was up to the man to know and take that control from the woman, and for me to "loosen up".

If good and caring people with doctorates interpret FSOG this way, how might an 18 boy or girl translate it into their dating life? This is why I am a strong believer is education and discussion of BDSM.